I hate that I've become one of the very people I make fun of: an angsty, self-loathing, I-wish-the-world-would-blow-up-right-this-second-the-pain-is-eating-my-face...
Teenager.
It's all in growing up, I know. The times when I think the hatred I feel will burn forever and ever. Those moments when I think my, for lack of a better word, stupid crush will torture me for eternity.When I look back at all of the time I spent conscious, I find that I regret nearly every second of it. I should have done this, I shouldn't have done that; it's never good enough. I have that universal teenage outlook on life:
"If we all die, what's the point of living?"
Other people have felt these emotions before, have gone through similar things. I think people eventually shed this way of thinking as they mature and shrug it off as a passing phase. I know that I'm not any different from any other sunken-eyed, slump-shouldered, moody, teenage, self-proclaimed philosopher, yet somehow I feel like I am because I know I'm just part of a bigger picture. When I find myself spewing out inspirational or groundbreaking messages on the human condition, I know it's just a bunch of nonsense that only I find thought-provoking and deep. Here's a favorite of mine:
"Children are like adults born without eyes, adults are their seeing eye dogs who keep them safe from danger. Once they grow up, they can see the world for what it is and realize that it sucks. And now that they can see, they can get themselves into all sorts of idiocy."
You won't find that in The Five People You Meet In Heaven. Alot of the time I ask myself, "If this is the way I feel about life, how am I supposed to get through 50 more years (60 if I'm lucky!) of it? After all, I've only had 15." I actually had to pray about this too, because a whole bunch of other things were going wrong in my life, (ie. family, school, people, the whole nine yards). The prayer I had was this.
God.
My life is so screwed up.
And I can't seem to keep it together.
How am I supposed to live out the rest of it?
Angst. Angst. ANGST...
Help me.
I actually did get an answer for this prayer. Truthfully, I wasn't even sure it was from God. I believe in God, I really do, but He isn't exactly responsive in the most tangible (or punctual) way. I figured this would be another problem I'd struggle my way through, waiting for an answer from God. But I don't know when, and I don't know how, but I got the most abrupt, unanticipated answer.
Day by day.
Live each day for what it is: One day. It's not a week's worth of trouble, or a year's worth of pain.
It's just this one day God gave to me, to you, to everyone living and breathing together at this very minute.
After all, He did tell us not to worry about tomorrow. (Matthew 6:34, NIV)
If I can get through this day, who's to say I can't get through another? And another? And all the days until my time here's up and God decides to take me home. Life is a gift, I made it a curse.
And as if He needed to jolt me awake, He give me this surreal dream.
I'm walking around when this man comes up to me and says hello. He seems polite enough, but something about him seems a bit... Off. Tensely I say hello back and turn away from him and walk in the opposite direction. Strangely, I have no idea where I am going or where I am. I look back and find the man following me at a very close distance, smiling creepily as if there was nothing out of the ordinary. I start to run as fast as I can, and he begins to pick up his pace as well. I start to scream, What do you want, what do you want... But he laughs and runs even faster. People who were simply standing on the streets, fetching the mail, greeting neighbors, stop what they're doing and start chasing me as well. When the first man is about to catch me, the others close in on him and they start clawing at each other, thrusting knives around, ripping skin with their bare hands, tearing flesh with their teeth. I'm still running, even though I don't know where to go. I'm dead, aren't I? I whisper to myself. I'm dead and this is Hell...
I woke up in a cold sweat that day, my heart racing, so close to tears I could have sworn it was real. The second I woke up and found that I was alive, I dropped to my knees and thanked God for my life, the very thing I found an impossible burden. Nothing like a nightmare about flesh-eating neighbors to snap you out of teenage angst.
Well, for a while. :)
Whatcha gonna do when there's no time left?
Whatcha gonna do when you take your last step?
Whatcha gonna do when you breathe your last breath
Out the chest and you find that there's life after death?
-Kj-52
8:45 PM
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3 comments:
People think:
"Life is a gift, I made it a curse."
God says:
"...do not worry about your life...Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
thanx for the blog =)
Haha, I don't think teenagers think like that at all.
omg easter! what a FREAKY dream! but anyways :) ohhh teenage angst, yea it can really suck & when i read your blog i remembered how angsty i was just a year ago. i dreaded each day and was walking around basically like a zombiee. but your right. Life is a gift, and why waste it fretting, or just loathing everything. thanks for helping me to realize that again & that we should live life day by day :] hope you have a non-angsty week full of peace & joyy! :D
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