Rhapsody-19

I'm in L-O-V-E

We met a long time ago, but we're just getting to reconnect after all this time. The more I get to know him, the deeper I fall in love. I can't stop thinking about him...

We talk all day long, he's the first person I talk to in the morning and the last voice I hear before I go to sleep. A lot of people don't like him, but that's only because they don't know him very well. It's sad when people talk behind his back and all he's ever done is be nice to them. I try to defend him, but they just hate him for some reason. :/ Well, haters are gonna hate...

I know he loves me back, so I'm sure we're going to be together for a long long time. ^_^~

By the way, he told me he wants to catch up with you guys too, so try to give him a call every once in a while, okay? I know you know the number for Jesus.








Did I get you? (:

You'd think that people would have had enough of silly love songs.
But I look around me and I see it isn't so
Some people wanna fill the world with silly love songs
And what's wrong with that?

The thing about anger is that there will come a time when you don't feel angry anymore.

Then you feel stupid for being mad about it in the first place.

Too late, I keep making mistakes
When I talk to you
and I can't take back what I say
Apologies made a little too late
by mistake

Too sensitive.
Too smart.
Too stupid.
So useless.
So rude.
Too angry.
Too happy.
Too dramatic.
Too sullen.
So conceited.
Such low self esteem.
What a good Christian.
Such a bad Christian.
Bad at lying.
Can't tell the truth.
Too introverted.

You're the best.
You're the worst.
Jesus loves you.
No, he doesn't.

Just stop it.

In Christ she is loved she's secure and protected
She'll never be rejected by God who's elected her
Our identity is found in the God we trust
Any other identity will self-destruct

EDIT: I think I overreacted. I should stop being so darn sensitive.

I'm sorry to be mean, but I don't really care if you've got a problem with me. I'm tired, I don't have time to deal with your insignificant issues with me. It'd be different if they were about something important, but I don't have the time to deal with the petty little things you have against me.

Please do me and everyone else in the world a favor and just act your age.

I'll hurt people, but never intentionally. If you tell me something along the lines of

or


I'll apologize, I'm not so prideful that I won't admit I'm wrong. But I won't want to if you make such a big deal out of nothing. God said to be compassionate and loving, but He never said to grovel at the feet of every person you've wronged and beg for their forgiveness.

Maybe I should just stop caring altogether and talk about you; every little mistake you make, or every petty thing about you that I don't find perfect and wonderful. Do you think I don't see things and hear things and notice things? I know how you feel about me, but you probably don't know how I feel about you because I'm just not like that, I don't talk about what I don't particularly like about people the second they say/do something that isn't sweet and kind.

I don't appreciate you holding enmity in your heart while you smile at me and act as if nothing had happened. Truth be told, I've had enough of this crap, of people putting on this innocent act around me and spitting words of hate about me to everyone else. Of people listening to my feelings just so they can turn around and use my words to plunge a knife in my back. Truthfully, I'm more observant than you give me credit for, you can play ninja all you want, but it's not like I'm incapable of figuring it out.

This boils down to eight words. I don't care what you think of me. Harsh, I get it. Of course, I want people around me to like me and be comfortable around me, and I'll try my best to be a pleasant person, but if you're going to freak about every little thing I say when I'm tired, stressed out, and/or annoyed, to be blunt, your problems with me are not worth my time. You're not exactly a ball of sunshine yourself, so please try to cut me some slack.

If you're not going to confront me, then please try your best not to rant to other people so blatantly. That only tells me that you won't settle for a heartfelt apology. What do you want me to do, put on a musical showstopper to beg you to forgive me at one point in my pathetic, pathetic life? Please. You are the least of my worries, but maybe one of the more annoying ones, because there is no reason for this to even be a problem. The world doesn't revolve around you, and mine certainly doesn't. I care about you, I want you to be happy, but if you insist on being immature and throwing this ridiculous tantrum, I won't waste my time trying to help you out. Again, tell me what made you feel this way about me (even though I already know, it'd nice to hear it from your mouth) and I'll sincerely apologize to you.

By the way, the person to whom this entire complaint/rant/eye-bleeding, annoying nonsense is directed to probably won't read this. But it doesn't matter, I only wanted to blow off some steam.

I hate seeing my past self come out like this. It's like angry past-Easter except with a more calm and balanced tone instead of the emotional and colorful outbursts. I didn't change only to revert back to being the apathetic, cold-hearted, angry human being I used to be. All the stress in my life is putting a strain on me, it's hard to be pleasant when you feel like you're being stretched out to the breaking point, but I guess they're never felt this way in their life. Maybe I'd be satisfied if I'd just let myself loose and trash the person, to abandon the limits I put on myself and just scream out everything I feel horrible for thinking for even a second.

Who am I kidding? I know the only one who will be satisfied with that is Satan waiting to capture my soul.

I'm trying my hardest not to tread on any toes, but I'm getting tired of tip-toeing around everywhere, especially with this load of responsibilities I'm carrying with me. 

Hard livin' got me feelin' very selfish
Crab in a bucket tryin' to crush these other shellfish
Forget a chip up off my shoulder, man, I carry boulders
I don't know how to control them when they get to rollin'
If people pop off at the mouth I try to keep cool
All I wanna do is fix it, troubleshooter
Yeah, it sounds wrong, if this carries on

I'd carried around this pretentious, dark, snide attitude around with me. Whenever I'd look at Michael or Titus or even Anthony, I'd have this quiet voice deep in my mind saying awful things like

 Don't read this post, it's just a lot of complaining and griping. :/

On Sunday, our wonderful New Wave Band leader, mister JP Yun, called a NWB meeting. For the life of me, I can't remember what we talked about. I think it went a little something like this:

-We have to be more punctual, he's tired of having to chase us around to get to church on time.
-We have to be more responsible, he's tired of having to track us down to have us blog regularly. ...Which I find semi-hilarious for some unbeknown reason.
-We stepped up, we need to be responsible for what that means. *insert some kind of meaningful sentence using the words responsible and responsibility excessively* ...Seriously, I can't remember the exact words.

Don't get me wrong, I completely understand where he's coming from. Truth be told, I'm extremely guilty of what he was complaining about, ie: I rarely blog, I'm rarely punctual, and I'm rarely energetic when it comes to NWB practices, performances, or otherwise. But, here's my two cents on the whole "stepping up, taking responsibility" life lesson.

My first point: NWB was formed 3-4 years ago, if my memory serves correct. That's a long time, especially considering that's around a third of my life, a fourth of Kenny's and Jerry's, etc. We started with many more than the measly four of the original members we have now. Not to downplay anyone's role or anything, but we've dropped (I say dropped, I mean they quit >_<) more than six members and went through multiple leaders during this time. If anyone's not taking responsibility, it's any one of the numerous people who had a taste of NWB and decided it wasn't for them, not the members who are sticking to it now.

My second point: This whole "youth stepping up as leaders" thing is really driving me insane. Am I the only one who sees this as a paradox? Youth are leading youth now, leaving leaders to lead leaders? Leaders can only lead if they have followers, and the number of those fish in this pond are diminishing. Again, I completely understand the thought behind all this; giving youth more responsibility and leaders more slack. But getting an early start at being a leader feels odd when I'm fifteen years old and I'm leading eighteen year olds. ._.

My third point: Let's face it, I'm only complaining about all this because I personally feel miffed about it. I'm part of NWB (I play a small role, but I play one), part of praise team (again, small role, small world), and I've recently been appointed as a spiritual temp (aka: Bible study leader for a bunch of kids who can't take me seriously). And to top it all off, I'm New Wave Admin/Treasurer, here for all your financial needs and deeds. That's a lot on my palate, in case you're wondering. It's enough to make me snap at the other NW officers frequently, accusing them of being useless and irresponsible (Sorry guys, I really am... :'(). So when the band leader wants to us to kick it up a notch on this "responsibility" thing, I'm ready to throw my hands up and surrender.

My fourth and last point (Finally, it's almost over, huh?): NWB is not my life. Being a NW officer is not my life. Heck, church is not my life. I've got a whole lot of other things in my life to struggle and pull out white hairs about. I'm all for being responsible and doing my part, stressing to get to church on the dot to play around with instruments or slapping myself for forgetting to leave time to write a blog post is not my idea of responsible. And even with these small things, like getting to practice on time or posting on my blog, it would be a heck of an incentive if our leaders would do the same. By leaders, I mean both of our wonderful NWB leaders. I personally like seeing your faces on Friday afternoons, it's a shame I don't get to very often.

As a member of NWB and not a leader, I'll respect what you told us on Sunday and try to correct my mistakes and the things you pointed out. But I posted this to let it be known that I probably will not succeed in doing everything perfectly, but I will be trying my best.

Har har har, look at me, taking that meeting on Sunday oh-so-seriously.




Have you seen this movie?