Rhapsody-19

Why do I feel so empty inside?

Nothing but anger and confusion, frustration and loneliness are lurking in the depths of my heart.

What's wrong with me?

Call my name and save me from the dark
Bid my blood to run
Before I come undone
Save me from the nothing I've become

I can only have so much faith in a deaf God.

I need to just admit, my faith is paper thin
I'm feeling so burned out on religion
I say an empty prayer, I sing a tired song
I need to just admit that the passion's gone.

Very big of you to run your mouth about something you quite obviously have no business talking about.


























I don't want to argue with such a hard-headed person.


You think you're special
You do
I can see it in your eyes
I can see it when you laugh at me
Look down on me
and walk around on me 

Why so serious?

Tiptoe through the window
By the window, that is where I'll be
Come tiptoe through the tulips with me

RESPECT ME.

I deserve your respect because my mother decided to have me years before you came along.

Not because I have impeccable character, great values, a well-rounded personality, or that I strive to be an upright and moral citizen. Simply because I'm older than you and therefore I do not have to earn your respect in any way.

Earning respect? How ridiculous.

Everyone knows you're born with it.




...


I understand the whole respect your elders bit, I honestly and wholeheartedly do. But here's my train of thought on why we are told to respect our elders. (No one ever questions these things, do they?)

People whom are older than me have experienced more of what life has to offer than I have. With experience comes knowledge, and with knowledge comes wisdom (hopefully). They have been in similar situations as I am finding myself in; because they have overcome these obstacles, they can look back at their experiences in retrospect, while I must look at my situations in intraspect. All in all, I believe the "respect your elders" notion comes from the fact they have simply experienced more than I have, are more knowledgeable than I, and can, in a way, predict my future by looking back at their past.

That's all good and dandy.

But.

How do I respect a person older when said person acts younger than I? How do I respect a person when I can't help but think that this person has lived several more years than I have but has gained nothing from their experiences? Why should I respect someone who repeatedly asks for it but never thinks to earn it?

I will earn my respect in speech, in life, in love, faith, and purity.

My "elders" can earn theirs in wisdom, in leadership, in humility, kindness, and maturity.

I'll give my respect to older people from the minute I meet them; they'll lose it if they're nothing more than a child that found its way into an adult's body.

I can feel my mind is changing. Before, I'd obey whatever I was told without so much as a single complaint. Now, I'm questioning why I do things at every turn, challenging every command I'm given.

I wish I had more time to be just another stupid kid, doing stupid kid things. I don't particularly want to be an "influential part of the teenage rebellion against low standards", or a heartwarming youth speaker standing before hundreds of thousands of people, or even the leader of a group of kids in an everyday situation. I want to enjoy my time as a youth, not use it as a mini-adult field run. I've got all my life to be a mature adult, and I've been living as one this whole time; what I want now is to live up my last few years as just another kid.

But it's never about what I want.

I'm just a regular brat, making rude and obnoxious comments at every turn.


Very very very few people know a little more about me than I let everyone else see. Because very very very few people are more than just pretty words and empty promises.


All my life I've been good
But now I'm thinking, what the hell?
All I want is to mess around
And I don't really care about
If you love me, if you hate me

What do I want from me?

I want to learn to play electric/acoustic guitar very well.
I want to get a novel published.
I want to have an original screenplay cone to life.
I want to be well-read.
I want to be tolerant.
I want to be kind.
I want to be wise.
I want to learn to break-dance.
I want to write an honest song.
I want to write a meaningful poem.
I want to learn to roller-blade.
I want to be fearless.
I want to be forgiving.
I want to be whimsical.
I want to be calculating.
I want to be rational.
I want to be a good student.
I want to be a good teacher.
I want to be independent.
I want to learn to play the piano.
I want to be a good friend.
I want to be a good daughter.
I want to be a good sister.
I want to find my place in the world.
I want to figure out who I am and what I want.
I want my cold heart to thaw.
I want to kill my apathy.
I want to fulfill my dreams.
I want to change the world.
I want to help people.
I want to sing to people who want to hear my voice.
I want to sit with people that desire my company.
I want to make someone feel better.
I want to overcome my fear of heights and look at a city from a rooftop.
I want to believe there's someone in this world who'll understand me.
I want to believe there's someone in this world who believes in me.
I want to believe there's someone in this world who won't judge who I am but guide me to who I want to be.
I want to bake cakes that make people happy.
I want to give roses to someone lonely on Valentine's day.
I want to spend Christmas with someone who has no one else to spend it.
I want to watch the sun rise.
I want to watch the sun rise with someone I love.
I want to be strong.
I want to be witty.
I want to be extroversive.
I want to be calm and patient.
I want to be outgoing.
I want to be helpful.












I want things to be different.

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'

Please don't try to make me feel better with some generic, meaningless "advice". I know I should go to God. I know that these struggles will help develop my character. I know that my "brothers and sisters in Christ" are always "there to help me out". I know, I know, I know.

Please don't say you know how I feel, because chances are, you don't. I know that there are people who are way worse off than me, but that doesn't change the fact that my situation sucks.

Sometimes you don't need to say anything. Sometimes it's okay just to listen.

Am I being mean to you?

Go fill that out and I'll get back to you.

AHAHAHA. If I didn't have laughter in my life, I'd probably be dead by now.

Sincerely speaking, I'm sorry if I've been rude to you in any way, or you feel offended by my words/behavior/etc.

On a completely unrelated note, I was an unnecessarily serious kid. When I was 6, I thought about what it would be like if I were a bird. Then I dismissed the idea because "I'd get shot and eaten, other animals would hunt and kill me, I wouldn't live long, I wouldn't have a stream of consciousness," etc. I think I had no childhood. :'(

God, I feel like I'm going crazy.

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?
'Cause I could really use a wish right now, a wish right now
A wish right now

I'm in L-O-V-E

We met a long time ago, but we're just getting to reconnect after all this time. The more I get to know him, the deeper I fall in love. I can't stop thinking about him...

We talk all day long, he's the first person I talk to in the morning and the last voice I hear before I go to sleep. A lot of people don't like him, but that's only because they don't know him very well. It's sad when people talk behind his back and all he's ever done is be nice to them. I try to defend him, but they just hate him for some reason. :/ Well, haters are gonna hate...

I know he loves me back, so I'm sure we're going to be together for a long long time. ^_^~

By the way, he told me he wants to catch up with you guys too, so try to give him a call every once in a while, okay? I know you know the number for Jesus.








Did I get you? (:

You'd think that people would have had enough of silly love songs.
But I look around me and I see it isn't so
Some people wanna fill the world with silly love songs
And what's wrong with that?

The thing about anger is that there will come a time when you don't feel angry anymore.

Then you feel stupid for being mad about it in the first place.

Too late, I keep making mistakes
When I talk to you
and I can't take back what I say
Apologies made a little too late
by mistake

Too sensitive.
Too smart.
Too stupid.
So useless.
So rude.
Too angry.
Too happy.
Too dramatic.
Too sullen.
So conceited.
Such low self esteem.
What a good Christian.
Such a bad Christian.
Bad at lying.
Can't tell the truth.
Too introverted.

You're the best.
You're the worst.
Jesus loves you.
No, he doesn't.

Just stop it.

In Christ she is loved she's secure and protected
She'll never be rejected by God who's elected her
Our identity is found in the God we trust
Any other identity will self-destruct

EDIT: I think I overreacted. I should stop being so darn sensitive.

I'm sorry to be mean, but I don't really care if you've got a problem with me. I'm tired, I don't have time to deal with your insignificant issues with me. It'd be different if they were about something important, but I don't have the time to deal with the petty little things you have against me.

Please do me and everyone else in the world a favor and just act your age.

I'll hurt people, but never intentionally. If you tell me something along the lines of

or


I'll apologize, I'm not so prideful that I won't admit I'm wrong. But I won't want to if you make such a big deal out of nothing. God said to be compassionate and loving, but He never said to grovel at the feet of every person you've wronged and beg for their forgiveness.

Maybe I should just stop caring altogether and talk about you; every little mistake you make, or every petty thing about you that I don't find perfect and wonderful. Do you think I don't see things and hear things and notice things? I know how you feel about me, but you probably don't know how I feel about you because I'm just not like that, I don't talk about what I don't particularly like about people the second they say/do something that isn't sweet and kind.

I don't appreciate you holding enmity in your heart while you smile at me and act as if nothing had happened. Truth be told, I've had enough of this crap, of people putting on this innocent act around me and spitting words of hate about me to everyone else. Of people listening to my feelings just so they can turn around and use my words to plunge a knife in my back. Truthfully, I'm more observant than you give me credit for, you can play ninja all you want, but it's not like I'm incapable of figuring it out.

This boils down to eight words. I don't care what you think of me. Harsh, I get it. Of course, I want people around me to like me and be comfortable around me, and I'll try my best to be a pleasant person, but if you're going to freak about every little thing I say when I'm tired, stressed out, and/or annoyed, to be blunt, your problems with me are not worth my time. You're not exactly a ball of sunshine yourself, so please try to cut me some slack.

If you're not going to confront me, then please try your best not to rant to other people so blatantly. That only tells me that you won't settle for a heartfelt apology. What do you want me to do, put on a musical showstopper to beg you to forgive me at one point in my pathetic, pathetic life? Please. You are the least of my worries, but maybe one of the more annoying ones, because there is no reason for this to even be a problem. The world doesn't revolve around you, and mine certainly doesn't. I care about you, I want you to be happy, but if you insist on being immature and throwing this ridiculous tantrum, I won't waste my time trying to help you out. Again, tell me what made you feel this way about me (even though I already know, it'd nice to hear it from your mouth) and I'll sincerely apologize to you.

By the way, the person to whom this entire complaint/rant/eye-bleeding, annoying nonsense is directed to probably won't read this. But it doesn't matter, I only wanted to blow off some steam.

I hate seeing my past self come out like this. It's like angry past-Easter except with a more calm and balanced tone instead of the emotional and colorful outbursts. I didn't change only to revert back to being the apathetic, cold-hearted, angry human being I used to be. All the stress in my life is putting a strain on me, it's hard to be pleasant when you feel like you're being stretched out to the breaking point, but I guess they're never felt this way in their life. Maybe I'd be satisfied if I'd just let myself loose and trash the person, to abandon the limits I put on myself and just scream out everything I feel horrible for thinking for even a second.

Who am I kidding? I know the only one who will be satisfied with that is Satan waiting to capture my soul.

I'm trying my hardest not to tread on any toes, but I'm getting tired of tip-toeing around everywhere, especially with this load of responsibilities I'm carrying with me. 

Hard livin' got me feelin' very selfish
Crab in a bucket tryin' to crush these other shellfish
Forget a chip up off my shoulder, man, I carry boulders
I don't know how to control them when they get to rollin'
If people pop off at the mouth I try to keep cool
All I wanna do is fix it, troubleshooter
Yeah, it sounds wrong, if this carries on

I'd carried around this pretentious, dark, snide attitude around with me. Whenever I'd look at Michael or Titus or even Anthony, I'd have this quiet voice deep in my mind saying awful things like

 Don't read this post, it's just a lot of complaining and griping. :/

On Sunday, our wonderful New Wave Band leader, mister JP Yun, called a NWB meeting. For the life of me, I can't remember what we talked about. I think it went a little something like this:

-We have to be more punctual, he's tired of having to chase us around to get to church on time.
-We have to be more responsible, he's tired of having to track us down to have us blog regularly. ...Which I find semi-hilarious for some unbeknown reason.
-We stepped up, we need to be responsible for what that means. *insert some kind of meaningful sentence using the words responsible and responsibility excessively* ...Seriously, I can't remember the exact words.

Don't get me wrong, I completely understand where he's coming from. Truth be told, I'm extremely guilty of what he was complaining about, ie: I rarely blog, I'm rarely punctual, and I'm rarely energetic when it comes to NWB practices, performances, or otherwise. But, here's my two cents on the whole "stepping up, taking responsibility" life lesson.

My first point: NWB was formed 3-4 years ago, if my memory serves correct. That's a long time, especially considering that's around a third of my life, a fourth of Kenny's and Jerry's, etc. We started with many more than the measly four of the original members we have now. Not to downplay anyone's role or anything, but we've dropped (I say dropped, I mean they quit >_<) more than six members and went through multiple leaders during this time. If anyone's not taking responsibility, it's any one of the numerous people who had a taste of NWB and decided it wasn't for them, not the members who are sticking to it now.

My second point: This whole "youth stepping up as leaders" thing is really driving me insane. Am I the only one who sees this as a paradox? Youth are leading youth now, leaving leaders to lead leaders? Leaders can only lead if they have followers, and the number of those fish in this pond are diminishing. Again, I completely understand the thought behind all this; giving youth more responsibility and leaders more slack. But getting an early start at being a leader feels odd when I'm fifteen years old and I'm leading eighteen year olds. ._.

My third point: Let's face it, I'm only complaining about all this because I personally feel miffed about it. I'm part of NWB (I play a small role, but I play one), part of praise team (again, small role, small world), and I've recently been appointed as a spiritual temp (aka: Bible study leader for a bunch of kids who can't take me seriously). And to top it all off, I'm New Wave Admin/Treasurer, here for all your financial needs and deeds. That's a lot on my palate, in case you're wondering. It's enough to make me snap at the other NW officers frequently, accusing them of being useless and irresponsible (Sorry guys, I really am... :'(). So when the band leader wants to us to kick it up a notch on this "responsibility" thing, I'm ready to throw my hands up and surrender.

My fourth and last point (Finally, it's almost over, huh?): NWB is not my life. Being a NW officer is not my life. Heck, church is not my life. I've got a whole lot of other things in my life to struggle and pull out white hairs about. I'm all for being responsible and doing my part, stressing to get to church on the dot to play around with instruments or slapping myself for forgetting to leave time to write a blog post is not my idea of responsible. And even with these small things, like getting to practice on time or posting on my blog, it would be a heck of an incentive if our leaders would do the same. By leaders, I mean both of our wonderful NWB leaders. I personally like seeing your faces on Friday afternoons, it's a shame I don't get to very often.

As a member of NWB and not a leader, I'll respect what you told us on Sunday and try to correct my mistakes and the things you pointed out. But I posted this to let it be known that I probably will not succeed in doing everything perfectly, but I will be trying my best.

Har har har, look at me, taking that meeting on Sunday oh-so-seriously.




Have you seen this movie?

I hate that I've become one of the very people I make fun of: an angsty, self-loathing, I-wish-the-world-would-blow-up-right-this-second-the-pain-is-eating-my-face...  

Teenager.

It's all in growing up, I know. The times when I think the hatred I feel will burn forever and ever. Those moments when I think my, for lack of a better word, stupid crush will torture me for eternity.When I look back at all of the time I spent conscious, I find that I regret nearly every second of it. I should have done this, I shouldn't have done that; it's never good enough. I have that universal teenage outlook on life:

"If we all die, what's the point of living?"

Other people have felt these emotions before, have gone through similar things. I think people eventually shed this way of thinking as they mature and shrug it off as a passing phase. I know that I'm not any different from any other sunken-eyed, slump-shouldered, moody, teenage, self-proclaimed philosopher, yet somehow I feel like I am because I know I'm just part of a bigger picture. When I find myself spewing out inspirational or groundbreaking messages on the human condition, I know it's just a bunch of nonsense that only I find thought-provoking and deep. Here's a favorite of mine:

"Children are like adults born without eyes, adults are their seeing eye dogs who keep them safe from danger. Once they grow up, they can see the world for what it is and realize that it sucks. And now that they can see, they can get themselves into all sorts of idiocy."

You won't find that in The Five People You Meet In Heaven. Alot of the time I ask myself, "If this is the way I feel about life, how am I supposed to get through 50 more years (60 if I'm lucky!) of it? After all, I've only had 15." I actually had to pray about this too, because a whole bunch of other things were going wrong in my life, (ie. family, school, people, the whole nine yards). The prayer I had was this.

God.

My life is so screwed up.
And I can't seem to keep it together.

 How am I supposed to live out the rest of it?

rhap·so·dy: A state of elated bliss; ecstasy.

I like this word a lot. You can probably tell, it's the name of my blog. As for the 19, I'll keep that to myself for now. People have told me in the past that my screen-names/email/usernames are really obscure, which is precisely why I choose to use them. I wish I had some deep, insightful meanings behind each one, but most of the time, I've got nothing. I'd wonder some more about the subconscious meanings behind even the most random of screen-names, but I get that that's a pointless thing to waste my thoughts on.

Er... I'm not getting any younger, I'll need to save my words from here on out. That brings me to another point: Children anticipate the day they become adults, and older people reminisce about the days of their youth. Is there some middle point in the midst of all this in which we as humans are content with our age? When have we lived just the right amount? I once read somewhere that humans are born to be miserable. I don't quite believe this, I just think this world makes it much too easy to live pathetic lives. But I suppose it's pretty pathetic to be fifteen and trying to understand a quirky world.

Well, no one likes to read a post that goes on and on so I guess I'll end it here.

Yeah, nothing is as great as it should be
'Cause this is the rehearsal
Yeah, in between the was and the could be
Love is the reversal